I really fucked it up this time didn't I, my dear?: Archive

I really fucked it up this time didn't I, my dear?

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March 2012

14 posts

When I’m lying sick on my death bed, I think about how over the winter break, I was with you every single day, nursing you back to health. And where the fuck are you now? You don’t even talk to me. And when you did for the first time in a long fucking time, you told about all the girls you made out with. fuck that. I was with you every step of the way. Because that’s what...

February 2012

33 posts

I guess I really like making lists.

In 4 months, this is what I'm gonna do:

Dye my hair red Pierce my nose (again) Get my tattoo Get a new wardrobe Go out of the country Live

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It...”

– Neil Gaiman (via writeinspace)

This the worst mood I have been in in a long, long time. I feel awful and alone and full of complicated feelings I don’t understand. Fuck. I hate my mind. I really do.

Things that happened last night:

Vodka Car Weed More Vodka Fucked Cuddled with Elijah Made out and other junk with Elijah Discussed our distant friendship Walked in on my best friend blowing a guy Vodka Sleep I felt more alive last night than I have since the summer.

goodbye, my love - Charles Bukowski

deadly ash of everything we’ve mauled it to pieces ripped the head off the arms the legs cut away the sexual organs pissed on the heart deadly ash of everything everywhere the sidewalks are now harder the eyes of the populace crueler the must more tasteless ash I’m left with pure ash first we pissed on the heart now we piss on the ash.

I may not do sadness, but I certainly do confusion and hurt. I am mad that we never took pictures, because maybe the memories would be trapped in them instead of in my head. I miss you everyday of my life and there is not one thing I can do about it. You have turned me into a stereotypical, heart-broken, angsty teen. And I hate it. Could you please pretend that I am still here, for my sake? How...

I hope you’re smiling cause I might be naked and lonely shaking branches for bones but I’m still time zones away from who I was the day before we met you were the first mile where my heart broke a sweat and I wish you were here I wish you’d never left but mostly I wish you well I wish you my very very best - “Photograph” by Andrea Gibson I do, I wish you my...

Being alone, is probably the worst. Actually, it is most certainly the worst. When I am with my friends I can laugh, and smile, and pretend I’m not broken. When I am. I think about a lot of things, about our memories and our talks of the future. I think about the time we tried to fall asleep kissing, and you told me it wouldn’t work. But it did. And we woke up perfectly locked...

You have left me. With two zits and a broken heart. And man does it hurt. But I have support. Like a sequoia tree trunk. And I have strength. Like steel sheets. And I am going to be ok. Like Ingrid Michaelson. But don’t think I don’t still love you. Because I do.

Dear unnamed sir, Fuck you. I am too good for you, or so they tell me. I give you everything you don’t deserve. I shower you with love and support. And for what? For you to think you have control over me. Well you do not. I may love you, and I may stick with you though everyone tells me I should not. But I will not let you walk all over me. You know I will not give you up that easily,but...

Online Health is, by personal definition, important life skills that every living, breathing, social-interacting person should already know before they take this class. But today, I learned a skill, I’m going to give some examples below. They go like this, “I feel _____ when you _____ because _____.” Pretty basic, right? You can try them with me, if you’d like. I feel...

A friend said some wise words today, I think us youngsters are the only thing love has. Middle-aged married couples, most of the time, don’t love each other because they lose track of how we feel because they stop trying. Love at this age is very possible, you just have to know it when you see it.

Paul McCartney said it best, Maybe I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you. A smart and kind “bro” once said to me, real love doesn’t happen in high school. I do believe I am too young for this, but if i am too young, then what is it?

I read a quote on a coffee cup today, and it really hit me. Never look back, unless it makes you smile. The problem with my sick mind is, he still makes me smile.

Two simple letters, that bring back every memory… I don’t need memories, they suck.

living in a horror film

Life is scary, agree? Fuck it, I don’t need your opinion. It is. Especially when the one you love is not all right, and you cannot do anything to help. You just have to sit and wait.

i am gonna make it, through this year, if it kills...

The book is closed. The chapter is finished. The poem has been completed. And I am in pain. I feel small. But I will heal. Everyone always heals.

Instead of linking you, I shall post some of my favorites. 2 years old and so much has changed, yet so little. Enjoy! (hopefully..)

One day, I feel old. Independent. I should be living on my own, paying for my own, motivating my own. I do that anyway. The next day, I feel 10. So dependent on my parents and my luxuries. Living young and without worries. but that’s not often.

I feel bad that I have not posted in a while. Things are all right, I mostly just want to sleep. To be honest. oh! I found my old blog, from freshman year of high school! I may link you too it. We shall see..

A couple things have happened since I last spoke to you. Ben came home, texted me at 4 in the morning and said unless you’re awake now, I probably won’t see you this time around. He then said, “Sorry for being a dick ‘nd stuff.” Good job, coward, you apologized. So I didn’t see him. Which is for the better. I have been avoiding stalking him on facebook or...

There’s no way you don’t scroll through and see my name and stop. And think about when you loved me. And when we last kissed. And how I grabbed onto your hair. And how I savored every touch. And how we were perfect and young and happy and loved and fucked up. There’s no fucking way.

Said: Well, I’m sorry I didn’t respond on facebook. Life has been hard, but rewarding. Sometimes. I’ll see you in a few weeks. What the fuck am I supposed to gather from that? Fuck.

I messaged him.

That was stupid. I deleted his number from my phone so I wouldn’t have to deal with the temptation. Then I signed online facebook for the first time in forever. I said this: Hope all is well, you’re probably drunk seeing as it’s superbowl night. Perhaps not. I miss you. I shouldn’t be messaging you, but I deleted your number and I’ve been thinking about you a lot...

Do you ever feel?

As though you will never be pretty enough or clever enough for a person? You can say that the one who truly loves you will think you are beautiful or clever or wonderful, but can a person love you without you being those things first? I don’t care what people say, we are humans and we are programmed to be with people we find beautiful and other things. I look in the mirror, and I don’t...

I’m missing him a lot more today than I have in the last week. For many reasons, I know, because I listened to my voicemail box last night and there were 3 from him, calling me babycakes and telling me he missed me. Because I slept alone and cold and sad. Because he doesn’t care. Because I was reading Looking for Alaska again and it got to the part when Miles makes out with Lara on top...

I lay awake, hoping that he’s missing me. But I need to be okay with the fact that he’s probably not. Then I will finally be okay.